The picture above was taken sometime last year and I remember writing those words with so much confidence in God.
But it’s amazing how we easily forget things especially our source.
It is very unlike me to not prepare something for Zoe Blog but I will tell you why I’ve been off for a while.
So I decided to break the silence with this.
Okay…where do I start from?
So, starting Zoe Blog this year has been one of the amazing thing I have done and I have no regret whatsoever doing so.
I count it as a privilege and a rare opportunity to impact lives.
My heart is always filled with so much joy each time I come here, and whenever I remember the step I took – I feel grateful.
I also would not fail to mention the fulfillment I feel in my heart every time I share with you guys.
Thank You Guys!
But for these past few days, I started losing my joy.
Like I easily get mood swings, I don’t feel any excitement whatsoever.
I felt so lonely; like I lost something precious.
I get bored and people’s critics started getting to me.
I just lay idle with no motivation to do anything.
Remember I shared something about when motivation seem scarce right? Well, I guess I’ve had my own share of it.
Like I was saying: I became really sad for nothing and I couldn’t trace this feeling to anything.
I could not read, pray or study not to talk of writing.
It was really a very bad mood.
I would even call a friend to come around, thinking that would take me out of the mood but the minute my friend was gone – I resumed to the same way I was and even worse.
In my heart I knew I was thirsty of something. You know when you have a craving for something and you can’t even figure it out. I felt like a young sheep alone in a desert wandering about looking for her mother.
Personally, I love alone time. Because I get to meditate, do some personal study and just enjoy myself with God.
But things changed…I started craving for people to be around me and when people are around I don’t get to do these stuffs.
Little did I know it was piling. The gap was getting wider as the day goes by.
I eventually found something to tie my mood swings to but if I were to be honest, it was just a distraction from the truth: my music coordinator spoke to me about a rumor she heard that I was going out with someone who is simply a friend and I became really mad.
Initially when I heard it, I paid no attention to it. I was literally laughing at the news but later it started getting to me which is not like my usual self. So I concluded it was the reason for my mood swings but I was only lying to myself.
Deep down in my heart I was missing something. I needed something badly. It wasn’t money; neither was it friends or fun. It was more like something abstract.
On a fateful morning, I woke up and put up a picture on my Whatsapp status and captioned it #mood. Why I did that, I do not know. But I just wanted to come out of the state I was so badly.
Luckily for me I caught Tirzah online and I felt the need to speak to her about what was going on with the assurance she would understand. Well I wasn’t wrong.
After explaining everything to her, she knew exactly how I felt because she had gone through same. The discussion with her gave me a push back to where I left off.
I might not be able to share everything in one post, but I will definitely bring it up in another.
So what exactly went wrong?
I started getting unnecessarily busy that I forgot to do the things that gives me strength and it wasn’t like once or twice – it was piling up.
- I stopped praying at home personally like I used to.
Prayer is my way of communicating with God and committing every of my endeavors into His hands. It wasn’t like I don’t pray in church. As a matter of fact, I started praying in church more and left the place of personal prayer. Now this is very risky. No matter how hard you pray in church, your personal communication should never suffer. No wonder Jesus advised we pray in the secret place not like the prayer of the Pharisee.
- I stopped studying too.
You know I’ve heard stories of how people can live off the word they hear from their Pastor only and not have a personal study life but I have never really experienced it. Now I understand what it means. No matter how good my Pastor preaches, I don’t joke with my personal study; hearing directly from God and allowing the Holy Spirit Himself to teach me. But I was drifting: a day or two goes by without me studying. Yes, I go to church. Yes, I hear the word like 4 times a week.
This was not enough to keep me from the distractions. You can’t live on someone’s revelation, you need to get yours and these were the things I do but I was moving far from it.
- I replaced being in the secret place with “Doing”.
Aside working in church, one thing that has been my sustenance is “Dwelling in the secret place”. No matter how busy I get, I don’t joke with my quiet time; meditation and communion with God. Nevertheless, I found myself doing so many things and leaving my place of covering.
I was occupied with rehearsals, church activity, planning campaign that I forgot my “Major Duty”. It is good to serve God and do stuffs right, but the first service is in the place of communion with Him.
I was happy starting the blog thinking, “oh yes purpose”…forgetting purpose is first to be in the secret place and not to be busy doing.
What made me lose my joy?
The answer to this should be obvious by now if you’ve been following.
I was reminded of the fact that:
- My joy doesn’t come from finding something to do that I get fulfillment from.
- My joy doesn’t come from helping people which is a good thing.
- My joy doesn’t come from having material things.
- My joy also doesn’t come from achievements or commendation from people.
Then looking back to last year, I remember sharing a picture on Facebook and I started questioning myself. How could I have forgotten so soon?
Yes, it is very easy to forget your source when you’re busy doing!
I decided to wait and run back to my source and until I am sure He is happy with me, I wasn’t ready to leave. I missed the Father – daughter moment we shared.
With tears in my eyes, my journal beside me and a pen in my hand, I laid quiet and I was receiving those words that kept me going. This was where I receive ideas, instructions and even write songs but I found myself wanting.
I refused to go to church that day which I know was worth it. I wrote over 3 songs on the same day. I stepped out of my room with fulfillment in my heart that nothing in this world could give to me.
I AM YOUR SOURCE OF JOY! – These words kept ringing in my head and it was similar to what Tirzah had told me she received. All I could do was cry and reflect on the love of God. He was right there waiting for me to come to Him, like a prodigal daughter coming back to her Father. With open arms He received me. What greater love can there be?
Whenever you begin to feel like you’ve lost your joy:
- Remember God loves you.
- Know that He longs to be with you.
- Your joy comes from Him.
- Confess the word of God.
- Run back to the secret place of fellowship with God.
- Never replace anything with your quiet time.
- Reduce your activities: take a break off the things you’re occupied with.
- Develop a ritual of daily communion. A word from God is enough assurance to keep you going.
- Treasure meditation and learn in silence. Talk is very cheap!
- Yesterday’s revelation is not enough to keep you. You need to be daily refreshed.
Despite the state I was in, someone called me to share what she was struggling with and I was able to help her because I had gone through that season. But I also needed help! Nothing fresh was coming.
Note this: Even the savior needs to be saved.
When you begin to notice these mood swings, loneliness and less motivation…Don’t keep quiet to yourself. Mood is very contagious, so is your JOY!
I am so glad to share my journey with you.
Thank you for being a part and I hope you learnt from this.
Don’t forget I love you so much and I want you to share this with someone.
So much love from me,
PS: Did you notice this is my longest post ever?